kocham cię

julia rahn

There are so many reasons why I love you. Here's 76.

okay so I, quite obviously, have feelings for you

can you call me on your lunch break tomorrow?

I'm so excited to see you on your own terms

gosh I want to look at the stars with you

saw the rain over the lake and was like oh it's raining as fuck there but not here and then one raindrop fell on my face and I was like oh shit it's about to break and I had to run to the treeline before it hits

all of big thief makes me think of u

twists, turns, drops, it's going too fast, it's going too slow, IM GONNA DIE IM GONNA THROW UP, oh the view is quite nice, this is actually pleasant, OH NO

I think about myself from 3 years ago and she was! not ready!

yooo we are gonna go on a date :D hugeeeeeeee

the f in father stands for femme

having a coke with you? more like having a beer with you my god nick

I didn't actually dislike you

we have reached some kind of divine honesty

I WOULD RATHER SIT IN MY FLAT AND GO MEEP MEEP

ja też cię kocham! have a safe flight bick nush :))))

I love you

it was this year really when I for the first time admitted that there is some lasting damage

I think, I think currently the thought of not having the November with you that I wanted is breaking my heart

I'm not sure I could make a decision that feels like I'm denying the self this much

just wanted to say, being in the meadows together was the absolute best

i enjoy! getting to know you! in every way!

feeling very glad about knowing you right now

I love you regardless of your calendar choices

like I could see myself being like, actually I want back into the UK in a few months

primary importance is being together

just woke up feeling like the saddest little guy on the planet

there's no one I'd rather be breaking generational curses with

I want you to move here

I've spent so much of my life being cautious and afraid and worried

and I don't want to do that anymore

that's not what living is for

i like your accent, i like your tone of voice, i like the way you construct your sentences, i like looking at a page with something you said on it and being able to hear you almost

well I was thinking about this today and I remember thinking way way back that 'if me and nick matched eachother on some app (which I do believe we were on at the same time) we could have dated' and going hm whatevs lalalalala

resting my head down next to the computer and hearing not your heartbeat but the whirring of the machine

did I tell you I had to move rooms afterwards because I just couldn't be in that room

while also getting quietly upset about my mum stripping your bedding

etched into my memory just like every part of you :DDD

togeather we can enjoy the big four: forest, mountain, lake, ocean

promise you will never let me move back here

yeah I had this thought today (at the cemetery lol) that when I'm with you I feel like I can just be?

I think that night it just felt like you wanted to know

and I wanted to tell you

letting the animal of your body love what it loves

and all I can think about is just the fact that like I've had a moment when I was like

oh this is what everyone is on about

every poet ever

this is it

I have a journal entry I'd like to read to you at some point about this

before we get a cottage we should go backpacking

I think you look good in a leather jacket that is mine

yeah imagine listening to that driving back from the airport after you've dropped off a person you've realised you love but think you cannot be with

I mean we met at 21 and like

we weren't ready

charting something really beautiful

i was thinking about this in the cinema yestarday, I think for a long time i was worried that being in a relationship would feel stifling and like I have to adjust my life to someone elses, like commitment felt like my freedom would be somehow limited? And with you it feels like the exact opposite of that, like I feel like I'm braver and capable of more things when I'm with you, seeing the present and the future in more vivid colours than ever and going yeah i CAN make that happen

I don't know at what point should I stop sticking it out and just prioritise myself in a big way

sometimes the difference between wanting to die and wanting to live is an apple pie

I gotta say something, yesterday while having my big cry, or rather a series of cries, I was like alright, no more crying it's over, let's go to bed. I go to the bathroom and I see my towel and your towel still side by side (cause as we established I haven't done laundry) and I just burst into tears again

immense urge to see what's around the corner

my big four is love, community, creativity and healing

I sometimes wonder if my aversion to romance was because I felt that it was something unattainable for me so seeing someone else have it made me want to throw up

like today I was thinking about telling my mom about us when everyone was running around and then there was a part of me that felt like, very protective? like this is my delightful sweet thing and do not even dare look at it wrong

apparently she and my dad had suspected

I wasn't there but like my dad came up to see me as I was ironing my trousers and like came up and hugged me and said he's happy for me

IVE BEEN AN AWFUL FATHER

AND A TERRIBLE HUSBAND

HE YEARNS FOR HIS FATHERS WOMB

I guess it's more of a I wish we could learn eachother by being side by side

you know I look at you and I go woah this is the most wonderful person in the whole wide world and they are just standing in my kitchen

and I think if there's a polar opposite of my previous experience with being someones shameful secret, it would be coming to christmas and getting introduced to my grandma

it's a bit silly but u know no one ever introduced me to their parent before

apparently my grandad (dead) used to fish by throwing hand grenades into a lake/pond

fun fact i was never a fan of texting like every day, thought I couldn't possibly want that

remember listening to this with you in the car and going 'oh god oh fuck they'll know I want to kiss them'

hey I was in the woods for most of it or dreaming things up in my room

which is one of the reasons I would be hopelessly into you at 15

forever yours, nick